Although I don't plan on ascending to heaven anytime soon, I am interested in the subject of death (meaning I love depressing poetry about death and am extremely scared of it!) and I do pay close attention to detail. So although I'm only 21, I've planned how I want my funeral to go.
I know, this entry might seem kind of morbid. But I asked my followers on Twitter whether I should blog about my funeral and got responses like "Yes! Please do!" and "I can't wait to attend!" So here it is.
First of all, and very importantly, I do NOT want a viewing.
I've had a lot of conversations about this with my friends, and some of them say, "But your family members won't be able to say goodbye unless they physically SEE your decomposing corpse!" And I'm not against open casket in general (as long as I look good!), so I can have an open casket funeral, but NO viewing! I don't need a bunch of people sitting in a room with my cold body for the whole night, just so they can pay attention to who is crying the hardest. Please, if you wanna see my body then look at the funeral, not at a special death party the night before!
Also, I don't need flowers. Sure they look nice, but what use are they really? They just shrivel up and die. So please save your money! Instead, you can purchase an approved CD (the list of approved CDs will be with Josh) and enjoy my favorite music in my memory!
So, my whole funeral is going to be outdoors. And I don't care if it's winter; suck it up! You think you're cold?! At least you can still feel!!
Now that we've taken care of those details, here's how the funeral service will go down.
It will start with Josh reading my favorite poem, "The Truth The Dead Know."
(And if Josh happens to die before I do, I'll read it as his funeral!)
This will be followed by the concert section of my funeral.
Katy Perry will perform "Thinking of You"
Then Kelly Clarkson will sing "Sober"
Then Stevie Nicks (who will already be dressed in black probably) will grab Lindsay and they will come and sing two songs, "Storms" and "Beautiful Child."
As an encore, all four of the performers will come out and sing a medley of Joni Mitchell's "Blue," Regina Spektor's "Samson," and "Didn't We Almost Have It All" by Whitney Houston.
Following the concert, the feature film Precious will be screened, in its entirety.
I know, this seems kind of long. But if you leave AT ANY POINT IN THE FUNERAL you will be considered really rude and everyone will throw stuff at you!
After Precious, attendees can finally leave. As they walk away, an orchestra (with a lot of strings!) will play sad music (occasionally mixing in some Britney or Ke$ha). The end!
Alright, so now whenever I die I have this record. My funeral better go exactly like this or I will haunt all of you!!