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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Gone, I Say

Although I don't plan on ascending to heaven anytime soon, I am interested in the subject of death (meaning I love depressing poetry about death and am extremely scared of it!) and I do pay close attention to detail. So although I'm only 21, I've planned how I want my funeral to go.

I know, this entry might seem kind of morbid. But I asked my followers on Twitter whether I should blog about my funeral and got responses like "Yes! Please do!" and "I can't wait to attend!" So here it is.

First of all, and very importantly, I do NOT want a viewing.

I've had a lot of conversations about this with my friends, and some of them say, "But your family members won't be able to say goodbye unless they physically SEE your decomposing corpse!" And I'm not against open casket in general (as long as I look good!), so I can have an open casket funeral, but NO viewing! I don't need a bunch of people sitting in a room with my cold body for the whole night, just so they can pay attention to who is crying the hardest. Please, if you wanna see my body then look at the funeral, not at a special death party the night before!

Also, I don't need flowers. Sure they look nice, but what use are they really? They just shrivel up and die. So please save your money! Instead, you can purchase an approved CD (the list of approved CDs will be with Josh) and enjoy my favorite music in my memory!

So, my whole funeral is going to be outdoors. And I don't care if it's winter; suck it up! You think you're cold?! At least you can still feel!!

Now that we've taken care of those details, here's how the funeral service will go down.
It will start with Josh reading my favorite poem, "The Truth The Dead Know."

(And if Josh happens to die before I do, I'll read it as his funeral!)

This will be followed by the concert section of my funeral.

Katy Perry will perform "Thinking of You"

Then Kelly Clarkson will sing "Sober"

Then Stevie Nicks (who will already be dressed in black probably) will grab Lindsay and they will come and sing two songs, "Storms" and "Beautiful Child."

As an encore, all four of the performers will come out and sing a medley of Joni Mitchell's "Blue," Regina Spektor's "Samson," and "Didn't We Almost Have It All" by Whitney Houston.

Following the concert, the feature film Precious will be screened, in its entirety.

I know, this seems kind of long. But if you leave AT ANY POINT IN THE FUNERAL you will be considered really rude and everyone will throw stuff at you!

After Precious, attendees can finally leave. As they walk away, an orchestra (with a lot of strings!) will play sad music (occasionally mixing in some Britney or Ke$ha). The end!

Alright, so now whenever I die I have this record. My funeral better go exactly like this or I will haunt all of you!!

41 comments:

john said...

Wakes aren't for the deceased, they are for the survivors. Plus, if you are dead, you won't have any ability to actually *see* your plans, so we can do what we want.

Haunt away! But if it doesn't involve being dragged to hell, I'm not interested. Plus, being dead can't be all that bad, no one has come back to complain about it...

goblinbox said...

You totally had me 'til the movie. ONE ZILLION HOURS LONG, your funeral will be!

Adam said...

Wakes are awful. Everyone stands around and cries, makes smalltalk and laughs while avoiding the dead person at the head of the room. I don't think they're for the deceased, I think they only exist because they're tradition, and people are too afraid to break with tradition. I agree with Enrico -- skip the wake. The whole embalming process is awful and disgusting. I'd suggest skipping an open casket all together. ACTUALLY, do what I'm gunna do, and just skip the funeral! Live forever!!! :-D

Craig said...

I like Adam's idea of living forever, but your plan puts the fun in funeral!

Eternal Lizdom said...

If nothing else, it will be the most unique funeral ever... and may be the only chance I get to see Precious- unless you die after it comes out on DVD, in which case I will have seen it!

Tam said...

I think open casket funerals are an American thing. I have never been to a single on in Canada. Even viewings are pretty rare. But I'll respect your wishes and remember you in your prime, like last week or so

Have you thought about snacks for after? If this is going to be an all-day event you have to provide us with some kind of refreshments. Beer and popcorn would be good during the movie I suppose.

Jere Keys said...

I don't care about my funeral, but I have specific requests for what is done with my body:
1. Dissection for study then permanent display of my head at a place of honor.
2. Viking ship burial-slash-cremation.
3. Sealed inside a pyramid. Full size. Instead of mummification, though, I want to be in a casket with a glass top.

Ryan said...

I'll be sure to buy a CD in your memory. I might even buy an anticipatorily memorial CD.

Wakes can be good. I'm glad we had one for my grandpa. I think one key is to spread the family around. That way, people don't have to awkwardly express condolences to people they don't know while waiting in line to console their friend.

Michelle M. said...

What if you and Josh die together in some freak subway accident? Then what? You should probably have a backup plan.

I've never been to an open casket funeral. Ew.

And who gets Richard Parker? I think it should be me.

Nathan V said...

I think wakes are a good idea, but I think caskets are stupid! I want a biodegradable casket or maybe cremation.

And Kelly Clarkson, etc., of course.

Also, if I could have a more upbeat funeral, that would be ideal. More like Graham Chapman's.

Polt said...

I'm just surprised at so many people who have never been to an open casket funeral. Seriously, I've been to...I don't know, at least 25 funerals (I come from a family with a lot of members who live to old ages), and only two of them were closed casket. Maybe it's a local thing.

You better have a will, cause like Michelle M. asked, you better decide who gets Richard Parker before you pass.

HUGS...

Justin said...

I agree with the folks who say the wake is for the survivors. But I *really* dislike open-casket anything. I'm honestly not thrilled at having seen the corpse of the first close friend of mine who died (motorcycle accident, 21). That's not the memory I wanted to be left with.

The only time I've ever been to an open-casket funeral is if the wake segued straight into the funeral instead of being on separate days.

That having been said, I hope, Enrico, that you will allow your funeral attendees to go to a reception AFTER the funeral, instead of having to all disperse right after the movie. People need a chance to talk and mingle after the funeral -- it's part of the process.

"I don't care if it's winter; suck it up! You think you're cold?! At least you can still feel!!" Priceless :-)

Craig - "puts the fun in funeral" -- *chuckle* :-)

Jere - funny you should link to Jeremy Bentham. I was just talking about LOST in Enrico's previous post ...

Oh, and it's very kind of you to leave your head to science. The students of weird dents in the backs of people's heads will thank you for generations to come :-)

that's J-O-S-H said...

The emotional highlightz of your funeral will be a) when Katy Perry croaks "in your eyez I'd like to staaa-aaay"; b) when Mo'nique criez "we called her 'Precious' cuz that's what she was," (note painfully important past tense!); and c) when my voice crackz [feat. tears] when I recite "...tired of being brave."

David said...

I prefer the Jewish tradition, no wake, no viewing, always a closed casket - pine box btw, v. biodegradable - and the funeral takes place within 24 hours of death.

I've never been to an open casket funeral. I think I'd get sick. It terrifies me.

Oh, and Michelle, if Joshrico buy it together, I'll be the back up plan. I'm good at readings.

hoteltuesday said...

john: What?! You sound like you don't believe in ghosts. I'm a firm believer. And btw, I was originally going to end the funeral with everyone being dragged to hell but thought it would decrease attendance!

goblinbox: But worth it! With my death, those songs, and Precious, you will be all cried out for like a year!

Adam: I agree! Traditions are made to be broken!

Craig: Any book/show/movie feat. an immortal person always has the part where the immortal person is like "I've lived too long, seen too many peepz die, I wish I weren't immortal." And I don't know... I understand, but I'm not sure I'd have a problem with it.

Eternal Lizdom: Hopefully I'll die after the DVD is released, cause I'm sure it'll be released this year! And yes, you MUST see it!

Tam: NO BEER AT MY FUNERAL! During the movie, some peepz will walk around and give people all my favorite candies and pineapple juice. Yum!

Jere: That reminds me--I just got a new license and now I'm an organ donor! Hurray!

Ryan: Good idea! Which one?! Polt loves Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" and you will too!

Michelle M.: I guess Josh and I dying together would be convenient so that one person isn't dead while the other is living in Heartbreak City! And Richard Parker goes to my favorite commenter in the year preceding my death. (So if I die in 2010, he's all yours!)

Nathan V.: Biodegradable?! Good idea! Never even thought of that.

Polt: I've been to three funerals. All three had the wake but I didn't go to two of them cause as you know from this entry, I don't like them. I feel like the survivors can still talk or meet or whatever. But my fmaily doesn't need to waste money renting the funeral home or whatever. Just call each other (during free nights and weekends please!)

Justin: I went to a funeral a couple months ago and everyone stayed after the burial and was chatting. I'm sure people would do that naturally! (I'm just trying to save my family money! lol)

Josh: I'd love to mix all those sadnesses (death, lost love, child abuse) into one! The attendees will be SO emotionally confused when they leave. (And hopefully write good poetry about their feelings!)

hoteltuesday said...

David: I ALWAYS start responding, then someone comments, then I miss them. Sorry!

Anyway, I don't know much about different cultural traditions when it comes to funerals, but I always think it's interesting when cultures have a mourning period following a death, where someone (like a dead man's wife) has to wear black for like 10 years or whatevz and can't smile. I would hate having such a limited wardrobe!

bourgtai said...

I demand one, and only one thing for my funeral: They play "Do the Necronomicon" from Evil Dead The Musical.

Garret of Jim and Garret said...

Ummmmmm, sorry I'll be missing your funeral that day. My twin brother, uhhh, Frank will be having his funeral that same day.

Justin said...

Enrico -- I can live with the no beer rule. What about wine?

David -- you are right to be terrified by open caskets. So. Very. Wrong. And biodegradable is a *must*! I can't decide between pine box and cremation, myself. I don't think I'll be willing my remains to science like Jere, unless it can be considered a public service to provide comic relief to med students.

Josh B: Best. Monday. Ever. I am going to have a smile on my face about "Do the Necronomicon" all day. :-)

hmwhat said...

This might sound horrible, but this funeral sounds like a lot of fun... :-P

Ryan said...

I wonder if Enrico realized that he was going to create an incentive to not save his life.

john said...

Enrico: Nope, don't believe in ghosts. Sorry to disappoint. See, now I'm confused, given all your comments about how great being dragged to Hell is, I would have thought that would have been an incentive for people to go.

I've never been to a funeral with an open casket, but nearly every wake I have been to has been open casket. Meh, they don't bother me. The first one I went to was when I was 10-11 (my grandmother) and it bothered me a little, but everyone since has been open casket and I got used to it. In my opinion, the person is gone, the body really doesn't mean anything anymore. Though, I will admit to really disliking the "Don't they look good?" comments. Not they don't look good, they're DEAD!

that's J-O-S-H said...

Um Justerz...I'm the only JOSH here. Rude! His name is BurgerTown. Durhz.

Ryan said...

In the event of a winter funeral, I vote we hold it in San Diego.

Justin said...

John - I agree with you on principle on the "the body doesn't mean anything anymore", but at a non-rational level, seeing someone you knew well and loved -- a lot -- like that is very traumatic, deep down. I know that some people say that it helps you realize that they're really gone. I don't need that kind of help. I still struggle to see my friend like he was in life, with a big grin on his face, instead of how I last saw him. It's not that his accident made him look bad -- he had been wearing a helmet so his face was entirely intact. It's just that a dead person's face is not the same. And to this day I wish I had never seen it. Same goes with my mother, but that was unavoidable, she died in my home. All other open casket funerals I've been to were of relatives of friends; seeing them isn't traumatic, but I just dislike the practice.

Ryan -- "not save his life" is awfully euphemistic for "arrange an accident in order to enjoy the BEST. FUNERAL. EVER." Oh -- and San Diego? Peuh! If you're going to push Enrico under a train the least you can do is freeze your ass off at his winter funeral.

JOSH (only one here) - I <3 "Justerz". I <3 even more that you've used it twice :-)

Ryan said...

Enrico: I already have that one.

hoteltuesday said...

burgertown: What? You want a Final Fantasy VIII playing party at your funeral? I'll be sure that happens!

Garret: What's more important: your dead brother or Precious?!

Justin: No alcohol! I don't want anyone to numb their feelings with drugs. They need to feel the pain.

hmmwhat/Ryan: Fun?! The purpose of this funeral is to cry your eyes out (which I thought was only fun for me and Josh?!)

john: No one gets it!!! Being dragged to hell is a good thing for me and Josh only. Unless we say "that drags me to hell (in a bad way)." Clear?

Ryan: All I Ever Wanted??

john said...

Enrico: I haven't been eating lead, I totally understand the proper use of dragged to hell. My point was that given how positive of an experience you say it is, I would have thought that would be more of an incentive for people to attend. Hey, if it's good for you why not everyone else?

Justin: I'm not a fan of the open casket, I'm just not that bothered by it. With that said, I wouldn't miss the practice. I've lost several people that I've loved, but the memory of their wake isn't the memory that sticks out in my mind, but everyone is different.

David said...

Enrico: Jews do have a mourning period, but it starts after the funeral. The immediate family sits at home for seven days. It's called "sitting shiva." Then those that are required to (spouse, child or parent) say a prayer of mourning every day for a year after the death. Then they say it only once a year at the anniversary of the death as long as they themselves are alive.

Jewish mourning: It.Never.Ends.

David said...

"Do the Necronomicon" OMG!! <3

I don't like the idea of open caskets because I'd be terrified the body would suddenly sit up or something and I would totally soil myself.

Justin said...

David -- Jewish mourning sounds like Jewish Mother-induced Guilt. Actually I've sat Shiva a few times with some friends. It's a lovely tradition.

Does "totally soil oneself" differ in any significant way from "partially soil oneself"? Just curious.... ;-)

hoteltuesday said...

john: Because Josh and I like things that no one else would (like Mandy Moore). Did the characters in DMTH like being DTH? No. But it's cool. Cause Josh and I got it like that. So while the entire rest of the world doesn't understand the pleasure of being DTH, we do! I bet if I told everyone they'd be DTH at the end my funeral, they would think I was crazy and stay far away. Only the Puntabupeepz understand how it is so appealing for us. (When I tell strangers that something drags me to hell, they don't understand! Boo!)

David: Ah! Home for a week. Isn't that what happened on Weeds? Are they not allowed to go to work or school? I couldn't do that.

Justin: Umm... I can think of a difference.

john said...

I have three Mandy Moor songs in my iTunes. Does this mean I would like being dragged to Hell?

Anonymous said...

I hope the people you have performing at your funeral die before you do. Maybe you can get Miley Cyrus.

hoteltuesday said...

john: How much Blaque do you listen to?

Anony: What?! If Kelly, Katy and STEVIE die before I do, I will be terribly sad and might die of heartbreak!

john said...

Does Black Box count?

Chris D. said...

It is good that you have a plan. I need to think about formalizing my final plans. I need to write a will.

I want to allow everyone to grieve in their own way. Some people find value in a open casket wake. I suppose I would have one, but put the body behind a curtain, so those who don't wish to see it don't have to.

I am also an organ doner, and would also consider donating my body to science, like my Grandfather did. That might put the kabosh on the whole wake thing.

I don't like the idea of embalming or non-earth friendly caskets. I think I would like to be buried organically in a nature park with no tombstone (or maybe a really tiny one), with a record of the coordinates of where my body is noted somewhere.

In closing, I shall wish you a long, full, and healthy life with a profound impact on the world. :)

Justin said...

Ooo! Black Box! <3 :-)

hoteltuesday said...

John/Justin: Huh?

Chris: A curtain is such a simple solution! Never thought of it. And I don't really care where I'm buried. Though I think your burial spot sounds nice. Maybe I'll be buried next to a famous person... Maybe Josh will get famous and I'll get buried next to him!

Delisa said...

Totally off topic but I really like that painting. I believe it was in an episode of the Cosby's at one point lol.

I guess I can see your logic in planning your funeral but I hope you don't die before me. I guess one day when I'm feeling all depressed I'll write down my own wishes but not now.

Anonymous said...

No way!