Ain't Got No

As all youngest children know, God gives us siblings just so that they can embarrass us whenever possible. Since I have THREE older siblings, I have a lot of interesting/embarrassing/tragic stories from childhood.

Here is one I'm SURE I'll never forget....

(As usual, I am played by Shia LaBeouf and TJ is played by Mariah Carey. My father is played by James Gandolfini. And his way of speaking is hard to transcribe, but I tried. lol.)

One day, my siblings were getting ready to visit my aunt and uncle.
My father looked us over to make sure we didn't look like 'the garbage people' and was not pleased with my hairdo.

After crying (I often cry when someone yells at me), I made my way to the bathroom so I could brush my hair.
But my sister TJ suddenly piped up.

After trying to brush down my cowlick for like 15 minutes, my sister gave up and decided to use a different method to control my wild mane.

I still don't know why I ever let my sister get the scissors when she was supposed to be BRUSHING my hair.
Hey, what can I say? I was a very trusting child.
So anyway, she only snipped a few strands, but my father came in and basically had a heart attack. He said she ruined my hair and decided that their was only one solution.

So he SHAVED my head.

As my papa shaved off all my locks, I just cried a thousand storms, flooding the bathroom in the process. When he was done, I put on a baseball cap, ran into the other bathroom in the house and locked myself in.

My father tried to get me to come out.

Well we obviously know that didn't happen. He still got me to go to my aunt's house that day. But no one could get me to take off my hat!
Luckily, my hair grows back very fast, so I didn't have to walk around bald for too long.

At the time, I was obviously really mad/embarrassed. But now that I think about it, TJ only did me a favor by being the catalyst for my shaved head.

Now I have something in common with my favorite pop star.

A Journey of Wit and Whimsy

Following in the footsteps of my blogging inspiration Craig, I am this week's blogger of the week on HX.com!

Hotel Tuesday reader and patron of my restaurant Chris D. wrote a lovely description of the blog. Thanks for highlighting the Hotel, Chris!

And thank you to all my blog readers. I never thought I would have such a faithful following and am blessed to have so many amazing people care (or pretend to care) about what I have to say.

This is the photo Chris used on the website, from my haircut entry. I'm glad he used the 'after' pic, and not the 'before' pic!

P.S. Project Runway: JNCT (get it?) season 2 is under way! Look for the "Road to the Runway" edition next week!

This Is Horror?

I'm constantly disappointed by horror films.
Well, I used to be. Lately, I've just not watched any because I can never find horror movies that actually scare me.

So my wuss friend Josh blogged about how frightening he found the Japanese horror film Audition. I'd heard about the film before and decided to watch to see if it was really as scary/disturbing/disgusting as everyone thought it was...

And it wasn't.

Now I did jump ONCE (in the scene photographed above) but I didn't think the last 15 minutes were creepy or horrific at all!
I don't want to ruin the film for anyone who hasn't seen it, but towards the end of the film, some Hostel-like gross stuff is supposed to happen. And it REALLY wasn't bad at all. Worse stuff happens in Misery!

But despite not being horrorfully fulfilled by the film, I didn't dislike it.

My favorite part was the actual audition.
Context: basically this hombre loses his wife and decides to hold auditions for a new wife. Well he pretends the audition is for a movie, but he is really judging the actresses on how well they will fill the role of his future wife.
I loved the questions the candidates were asked.

I was sad when the auditions came to an end...

Obviously I watched a version of the film with the most supreme subtitles.

My favorite subtitle appeared in an ad for the fake casting call that turned into wife auditions.
The woman reading the ad promises that if you show up to the casting call, you can be as famous as...

If I could get anywhere near Audery Hurpin's level of fame, I'd show up to the audition too!

Do Forget The Lyrics

Since my car is almost as old as I am, the lighter thingy died recently.
We all know I'm not a smoker, so why is this important? I can no longer listen to my own music choices as I was using the lighter to power my iPod.
Since my CD player also broke about a year ago, I am now forced to listen to the radio whenever I drive. As I've been listening to the radio, I've noticed how in many hit songs, the lyrics simply don't make sense.

So I've decided to highlight some of those songs here to see if my readers can help me understand what these lyricists were thinking when they penned these songs. After all, not every song can be lyrically perfect like "If U Seek Amy."


Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow"
To say that this song is lyrically unsound is an understatement. Although the entire song confuses me with it onomatopoeia overload, the song kind of makes sense in a strange BEP way. Basically, the entire song is an anthem declaring that the Black Eyed Peas are the future of music. As Fergie so eloquently puts it, the Peas are 'so 3008' while others are 'so 2000 and late.' Although that is my favorite line of the year, there is one line in the song that confuses me even moreso than the rest of the song. During one of the parts sung by one of those random men who are not Fergie Ferg, they state:

"Cause we got the beat that bounce
We got the beat that pound
We got the beat, that 808
That boom, boom in your town."

If the Black Eyed Peas really do posess 'that future boom boom boom' then why do they even mention their 808 usage? I understand that Kanye is bringing the 808 back, but how does using technology from the 80s make you futuristic? If the Peas really want to be innovative and display 'that future flow' in their music, they should create completely new sounds instead of working with such old equipment. Their inability to craft new music makes me question whether they really are the future of music. Not that their terrible songs don't already do the job....


Carrie Underwood - "Before He Cheats"
I know that American Idol Carrie Underwood looks awesome in this video and I completely understand how everyone wants to be able to relate to this song (except few are actually brave enough to do the stuff she says, just dream about it). But there is ONE line in this song that baffles me. After dealing out some karma to her cheating ex-boyfriend by destroying his truck, Carrie sings:

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl
'Cause the next time that he cheats....
Oh, you know it won't be on me

Now, by destroying his truck, Carrie believes that her ex-boyfriend will NOT take her back one day (she's probably right) so that the next time that he DOES cheat on someone, it will not affect HER. So, hasn't she just 'saved a little trouble' for herself? I could understand if she sang, "I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl.... cause he'll never cheat on anyone ever again cause I trashed his truck." Instead, she assumes he will cheat again, just not on HER, and thinks that she has somehow helped 'the next girl,' which she hasn't.
And besides, doesn't Ms. Underwood spend both verses complaining about how this 'next girl' is a non-whiskey shooting tramp who likes singing Shania karaoke and is a poor pool player? Why would she even want to save her a little trouble?
Don't get me wrong, I kind of like this song (although it was WAY overplayed). But these lyrics confuse me. Have any of you done a Carrie Underwood on your exes vehicle and can clarify what she means?

Utada - "This One (Crying Like A Child)"
I'm assuming that most of you don't know Utada, but a line in her song "This One (Crying Like A Child)" confuses me so much that I decided to include it. Utada is a huge superstar in Japan and recently released her 2nd English album here in the US. I love her new CD and especially this song. She spends the whole song mourning the loss of her ex-boyfriend (maybe she can do a duet with Carrie?) with sad lyrics like, "How could I ever love another?" and "God knows I'd give anything for just one more night together." Then in the bridge she sings:

You got me crying like a child
No need for me to lie
You got me crying like a child
And the crowd is going wild

Alright, now I know that a lot of artists might include a line like "the crowd is going wild" in a song they expect to perform live or something. I can easily see this line in a rap song or a somewhat arrogant anthem (maybe it fits better in Boom Boom Pow?). But the entire song is filled with sorrowful lamentations and has NOTHING to do with Utada being a singer or audiences in general. I really think that line was included just so it could rhyme with child. I guess mild or filed doesn't work either, but the line throws me off enough to appear in this list.


Rihanna - "Rehab"
Whenever I complain about Rihanna's lyrical confusion in this song, people always yell at me and say I'm being too picky, but whatever, I have the right to complain. So in the 146th single from her latest CD, Rihanna croons about her ex-boyfriend being bad for her (duh) and in the chorus sings:

It's like I checked into rehab
And baby you're my disease

Don't you go to rehab for addictions, not diseases? Alright, I know, I know. Alcoholism is sometimes considered a disease. The problem is, that in other parts of the song, Rihanna says that she doesn't want to 'smoke all these cigarettes no more' and that her ex was like, 'her favorite drug.' She also comments on how hard it is to let him go. I think it is quite clear that she meant that her ex is like an addiction, not a disease. The worst part is, disease doesn't rhyme with anything else in the song anyway, so she could have easily adjusted the lyrics. And I'm saying all this like Rihanna wrote the song (really, Justin Timberlake did!)


Katy Perry - "Thinking Of You"
Oh, Katy Perry. She and I have a difficult relationship (though not as difficult as the one she had with whatever guy she wrote this song about apparently). "Thinking Of You" is not-so-secretly my favorite song to scream/cry to, but ever since Ms. Perry betrayed me I feel the need to criticize her bad lyrics. So here goes. In this song, Katy sings:

Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one-
I still got the seed

While it's nice that Katy has moved on from the simply rhymes from "Hot 'N Cold" and is trying to work with a simile here, her logic is pretty flawed. Apples contain seeds. Whether she picks the ripest apple or not, she will 'get the seed.' Maybe this isn't really an example of bad songwriting, but a testament to Katy's lack of knowledge when it comes to fruit. Then again, she did perform at the Grammy's in a fruit dress and she does often have giant fruit props in her stage design. So I'm not letting this one slide. Now, go watch the heartbreaking video and don't pay attention to what she's saying.

So any clarification here? Am I being too critical, or do these lyrics confuse you too?

La Boda

Last Saturday, my father got married.
Having been married twice already, this wedding was pretty low-key. Anyway, here's how it went down.

My siblings and I hopped in my sister's car and headed to my Dad's to watch the ceremony.

When we got to the house, it was discovered that my father doesn't know how to tie a tie. So my sister Gabi practiced on me, to somewhat unfavorable results.

After we tried for like an hour, we asked my brother if he knew how, and he did....

Gabi and I were starving so we started in on the wedding appetizers (aka, Taco Bell).

Once the tie was tied, we headed to the majestic wedding chapel.

As soon as we entered the chapel, we saw that the professional wedding photographers were already there!

The men of the Bruno family:

So who do I look like?

My dad and his soon-to-be wife sat outside, waiting to be wed. Wait, isn't this bad luck?

And apparently I get my snarky grin from my father. Who knew?

This delightful sign was posted right outside the courtroom, reminding couples of the wonderful fate that awaited them when they leave...

So finally, we entered the courtroom. Now comes the best and worst part of the day!
The man leading the wedding (the mayor of the town) didn't know that my dad's fiance doesn't speak English. So when the mayor found out, he said that someone had to translate for her. So of course my sister says, "Oh, Enrico can translate!"

I tried to make my father translate, but he wouldn't understand the English enough to translate it into Spanish so I had to translate the whole ceremony!!!
I didn't want to translate because I'm not 100% fluent and thought that with something like a wedding, she would probably want to know exactly what was being said.

But I did the best I could.
Here I am translating.

The thing I liked about translating, is that now I can say I was a translator at a wedding! Ring bearer, best man, who needs any of that? I think the job of translator is much more unique.

Family pic!

After the ceremony, we headed out to the reception.

Then my dad wanted to go to the park to take some wedding day pictures.

But if you know the Bruno kids, you know that we took this opportunity to takes some pictures of our own.

When we went back to the house, we had some wedding cake.

The newlyweds made the first cut together

then fed each other.

Then everyone toasted and drank some champagne. Well, I didn't because I had to take the picture and frown at everyone.

Then my sisters and I were tired of taking pictures of my dad and took some pictures of ourselves!
Here's my favorite one, where we made our best Charles Manson faces.

(OMG! The user who uploaded that Manson video is called "brunobliss"! How weird is that?!)

Oh yeah, we took one more picture of my dad because taking wedding pictures obviously went to his head and he thought he was a model or something.

Congratulations Dad!
Third time's a charm.